I CAN’T CRY HARD ENOUGH

20 Aug

‘I’m gonna live my life, like every day is the last, without a simple good bye… it all goes by so fast.
And now that you’re gone- I can’t cry hard enough for you to hear me now’
that’s Susan Ashton and I can’t remember if you ever heard it!
For so many reasons – I can’t cry hard enough because I can’t see you hear me, because I miss you, because you were one of the best things about me, the reasons are infinite.

I don’t count the days or the years because as far as I’m concerned whats the point of making an anniversary of the hardest day of my life?
After you left I stopped writing in my journal- I can’t be too sure why, perhaps because a journal keeps record of ones life and it doesn’t seem like there’s much sense in keeping record of a life that you’re not in.
I’m not feeling sorry for myself- I promise, I know you wouldn’t like that, I’m just really really angry Jerry and I hate that hole in my heart that’s got your smile in it.
Sometimes you go to the back of my brain and i feel guilty, like you should always be in the front and i kick myself mentally.
I think about you everyday even without thinking about it – when I’m scared – I know nothing could be worse than the day you died so I get the courage to do things.
It’s 3 in the morning and I think about that joke- you know the one where they sent the Chinese guy to get supplies and he was gone forever and when they went to find him he popped out from behind the door and yelled ‘supplies’ !!
Then I do that funny cry/laugh thing because every time I remember that joke all I think of is how hard you were trying not to laugh as you told the joke, your dimple, how handsome you were, how extraordinary your laugh was and what straight teeth you had.
I stopped trying to make sense of it because there is no rhyme and certainly no reason -it’s reminiscent of staring into the abyss.
And no – I can’t let go of it so it’s just going to be one of those things you know?
No…. you don’t, because you never saw the point of holding on to pain, But that’s because sometimes pain is a connection, besides you don’t have to sit here, sit here and miss your baby brother so much that your soul feels bruised from the beating its taking and your heart can’t possibly break into any more pieces…
I’m not feeling sorry for myself- I promise, I know you wouldn’t like that, I’m just really really angry Jerry and I hate that hole in my heart that’s got your smile in it.

And now that your gone I can’t cry hard enough for you to hear me now.

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7 Responses to “I CAN’T CRY HARD ENOUGH”

  1. Maureen Makuba August 22, 2011 at 9:06 am #

    Awwww.
    I totally understand what you are feeling and I can say without a doubt that it never goes away. The pain dulls but never really goes away.
    I still talk to my”the one that left too soon.”
    Its the only way I get through it. And its been 5 years.

    • Seanice September 2, 2011 at 9:51 am #

      thats so true MAUREEN thanks for that

  2. Fiona August 22, 2011 at 10:29 am #

    This is absolutely beautiful Seanice.

  3. Shivachi August 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

    your brother?

  4. Rhona Em September 25, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Hmmm, that was a sad read, but absolutely beautiful.

  5. Sam October 29, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    Its like you learn my mind! You appear to know a lot approximately this, like you wrote the e book in it or something. I believe that you just could do with some % to force the message home a bit, but instead of that, that is magnificent blog. A great read. I’ll definitely be back.

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